God Is...

I'd like to be one of those people who has deep and insightful words as I head into my junior year of college, but truthfully... I got nothing. I wish it wasn't happening, and I wish I could go back, way back, to when I was in diapers, didn't know up from down, and smiled for the sake of smiling because I had nothing to worry about.

I worry about things. It's what I do, and 99% of the time, I really have nothing to worry about. So as you can imagine, I'm worried about my future. I wondering where I'm going, on wondering what God has planned for me to do, and I'm wondering how I got here so fast.

So here it is, school right around the corner (literally), and I'm standing here. I'm standing here at the precipice of decision making, right on the edge of sheer joy for making it this far, and yet biting my nails to the bone in question of my future.

There are very few things in life that you can be absolutely sure about. One thing I know for sure is that God doesn't forsake His children. Everyday, I wonder why God would love me. I'm not the model Christian, and I wonder if I'm witnessing to anyone through my actions, or if people just see me as "another person."

Speaking of which...

I was on vacation recently and my little brother (who isn't really my little brother but I consider him such and love him to death) told a friend of mine that she didn't look like a Christian. That she just looked like a "normal person." When I asked him what he meant, he said "You don't either Janelle, you just look like a normal person. Not a Christian." Now I wonder if he's on to something. Does a Christian have a generally different physical appearance, or do we just blend in with the rest of the world.

School starts soon, and I can't say I'm all that thrilled about it. But what I do know is that God has led in miraculous ways for me in the past 2 years. I cannot ignore how much he has changed me and showed me what it is He will have me do in the future. I realize that He is pointing me in the direction I should go, so what will make this year any different? It will be greater, of that I'm pretty sure.

Joy = Sabbath?

Today is Sabbath, and so naturally, I went to church. And it was the most boring church service I have ever been too. Granted I didn't arrive until ... 5 minutes or so before the sermon, but still. I won't say what church I went to, because who knows, someone there might have actually enjoyed it.

Is it required that church be dry and completely lacking any sort of excitement or joy? Are we supposed to be stoic and tragically unhappy? I mean, the sermon was about the joy of Sabbath, but with the way the speaker was presenting it, and the atmosphere of the place, you'd think he was giving a eulogy. It's like the word reverence is a synonym for "sucking the joy out of..."

I remember when I was little and right after Sabbath School, our teacher would lead us in a single file line to the sanctuary doors. She'd keep telling us to be reverent, aka shut up and sit down, and how much Jesus hates noise. We'd walk ever so stoically into the sanctuary, sometimes church had already started. Some adults would eye us, giving us visually warnings that if we made a peep, we'd be in big trouble.

I thought reverence meant respect. Doesn't mean that we should, for example, cast aside all of the distractions of our day to day, and put aside a special time and attitude for God? We shouldn't be texting, we shouldn't be having random side conversations. We should just have a general attitude and feeling of respect and humility for God. After all, we are in (or supposed to be in) his presence! But, is happiness or joy now a distraction? A sin of some sort? Did I not get the memo from the NAD?

Now I wonder why people wonder why young people are leaving the church. Church services like that drain out the joy of church, fellowship, and Sabbath, and just turn it into another thing we do during the week. I've been to many churches where you could just see, from the look on people's faces, how they interacted with each, how they treated the children, that they were truly happy it was the Sabbath. The pure... peace that radiated from them just brought a smile to your face! But I've only been to a very few churches like that... most of them are few and far between.

I'm not really sure what can be done to bring joy back into church, into our singing, into sermons. I guess all you can do is go with your own inner joy and inner peace, and bring your offering and praise to God, wherever you are.

Happy Sabbath!

Spiders and My Sabbath Bliss

Sabbath could not have come sooner. I am so tired. It's been an exhausting week, and I feel like my brain is being pulled in thousands of different directions. There is so much to think about, to consider, to remember... it's almost impossible to really wrap your head around it all.

And then the Sabbath comes... and your brain can breathe, even if it's just for a day.

On another note, I dealt with some spider issues I was having today in my room. I had to go all ninja for like 20 minutes killing 5 or 6 of the little pests, and it was like they were multiplying before my eyes! Then my sister came in my room and she happily pointed out that there were two mother of all spiders right outside my window. Now, what you have to understand is that my window hasn't been completely sealed in yet, so, there are cracks all over it. Pretty much a welcome mat for creepy crawlies. At any rate, I tried using this crappy bug spray I bought from Family Dollar (always a bad idea) and it definitely did nothing but give the bugs something to casually swim through. It literally did nothing to them. So I just had to start smashing.

Then, my creative juices gave me an idea! I took plastic bags (I'm not sure why I'm sharing this story, but eh...) tore them up, took a flathead screw driver and jammed the plastic bags in there. It's kind of like a temporary filler till my window gets officially fixed. And so far, I haven't seen any spiders. And that is the way I hope it stays.

So, as I sit here in my permanently (hopefully) bug free room, under the mellow comforting glow of my small, 9 dollar Wal-Mart lamp, my legs numb from being on the move all day, I praise God for His perfect timing. Just the other day, I was feeling quite chipper and awake, then suddenly, Friday comes and I can barely get out of bed. I do not take for granted the Sabbath rest God gives me, and I couldn't feel more blessed. :)

Marriage, Personality Tests and the ENTJ's

Why is everyone getting married/engaged?

At least 5 people come to mind at this moment who are getting married in the near future, or who have recently gotten engaged. It's exciting (for them anyways), but now it's got me thinking.

What's the hurry?

A lot of times, I will tell people "I'm never getting married." I'm not serious really, but, at the same time, the idea of marriage doesn't really appeal to me. I'm a very independent person, I enjoy having my freedom to go about my day without having to think about the fact that there is someone fretting about where I'm going. (I mean, I have that now, but they are my parents, lol). The only person I want to be accountable to is God and myself. And I don't feel like I can really ever have a 'relationship' unless the one I have now with God is completely strong. I'm working on it, but it's not quite as strong as I'd like it to be. But, to each his/her own. I commend the people who decide to get married during their college years. It takes a lot, I'm sure, and it's something I personally couldn't handle. Kudos to you, for you are a stronger person than I.

Moving along... I took a Myer-Briggs personality test the other day, and I chuckled a bit at the results. Apparently, I am an ENTJ, which makes up about 1% of the population. ENTJ stands for Extroversion, iNtuition, Thinking and Judging. Interesting combination, sounds like it could make for a scary person, haha.

I find personality tests pretty fascinating actually. Most of the time, you'll read your "profile" and think, no that's not me, but you'll come across something and think, wow... I really do that, or Oh man, am I really like that. I mean, it's almost impossible for those to be completely accurate, but a lot of times, they are pretty spot on.

So, what do personality tests and marriage have to do with each other?

Absolutely nothing.

Final Curtain for the King...

I didn't know him. I hardly listened to his music. His legacy in my mind is different than his legacy with my parents. And yet, I'm deeply saddened by the death of the "King of Pop."

It's not the kind of sadness I would be experiencing if someone I knew and loved had died. It's more of a shock, a big roaming question mark. I've always known and heard about Michael Jackson because he's just so huge the world could barely swallow him. But I wasn't alive during his prime, when he was so big people probably fainted at the mere sight of him. I was alive during the bad times, during allegations of sexual misconduct, and financial turmoil.

I guess what gets me the most is the fact that he just didn't seem happy. And how could he be? He's been in the spotlight for almost his entire life. Many people probably can't think of a time when there wasn't a Michael Jackson. But all that fame, all that fortune, it couldn't buy him one ounce of happiness. It's truly the saddest part of this whole thing.

I wonder if all those comedians who poke fun at him and make insinuations about him being a pedophile will end now? It just seems so wrong, especially now, to mock him. His whole image has been tainted for me, and a lot of people in my generation, but the least they could do, and probably will do, is show him some respect. The guy was a musical genius after all. And boy could he dance!

What I've learned from this is that I don't want to live to be known for nothing. I don't want to die and have people only remember that I lived a glamourous, showy life, or that I was there for entertainment. I want to die and have people know that I lived for something, that I gave something and that I made a difference. It's so easy to just go about your life like nothing and then suddenly, something like this happens, an international icon dies, and suddenly, everything comes back into perspective.

MJ, I didn't know you. I've never met you, and I can't say I'm your biggest fan. However, I hope you died with some peace in your heart and that you left this world knowing you were loved, at least by one Person.

:)

Ramble

Have you ever felt like the dumbest person in the world?

I felt like that today. Like I just couldn't do anything right, and everything that came out of my mouth was idiotic. Maybe it was the heat, or maybe I'm finally seeing the light... I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Sometimes, I'd like to really know what people think of me, but I actually think I'm afraid to know. What if, my whole life, people have been lying to me? Telling me they "think I'm cool" and "Oh, Janelle you're so funny" but the truth of the matter is, no one has ever really liked me at all? I mean, sometimes I look in the mirror and stand there and wonder why anyone would ever want to be friends or even associate with me.

Random thoughts. I'm not depressed or anything, I was just wondering about this. I mean, is there anyone who is truly, really honest with you about everything? I love it when people are honest with me, even if it hurts. I feel like I can improve if I know what's wrong with me. I know that sometimes, I'll say something and wish I could take it back right away. I try to make it better by saying something else, but that makes it worse. And sometimes, I don't feel like some people really know me. Or at least they aren't getting to know the person I want them to know.

Ah, life and all of it's... questions.

Jesus Brings the Rain

It is POURING rain outside. Now, I live in the basement, so right now it sounds like I'm moments away from a flood.

But besides that, I love the rain, more specifically, I love thunderstorms. They are so... loud. I feel like I'm wrapped up in a hug or a huge comforter during a storm. This may sound weird, but, whatever. Haha, it's me. Thunderstorms are so comforting to me, like a dark lullaby. They are the only acceptable form of darkness that nature brings to us. Nature has a lot of wrath, but thunderstorms are more like temper tantrums (compared to floods, hurricanes, forest fires, etc.,)

You know a good song to listen to during a thunderstorm? Well, there are a lot, but three come to mind right now: I Am God by Toby Mac and Kirk Franklin, Bring the Rain by MercyMe and Benjamin & Daisy by Alexandre Desplat (from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Soundtrack).

Putting aside the randomness of Toby Mac's statement in the beginning of the song ("Kirk's gonna get his white boy on..." Yeah, don't ask) this is a good song. It's kind of rockish, and goes good with the ruggedness and fierceness of a good thunderstorm.

Bring the Rain has a really good message. It's about how trials are what make us stronger, and that if that is the only way to get closer to God and become a better person, then "bring the rain." Good stuff. Take a Listen

The last one is an instrumental, but it's really good. It has a very haunting, yet... hopeful melody that kind of drops you down, and then brings you up. It kind of makes me envision a tiny miniature ballerina tip toeing across the keys really gracefully.

That is all for now, have a wonderful night!